Unity In Marriage - All In The Family Week 7
Pastor Matt Bell
Sermon Summary
In this sermon based on Ephesians 5, Pastor Matt explores the biblical design for marital unity, focusing on the profound mystery that "the two shall become one flesh." He outlines five foundational truths: Christ is the only true and lasting source of unity, God is the one who actively joins a husband and wife together, couples must recognize their fundamental oneness, Satan actively attacks this unity through daily spiritual warfare, and the Word of God serves as the ultimate weapon against these attacks. To help couples cultivate and protect their marriages, Pastor Matt provides practical "offensive" strategies—such as praying together, maintaining physical intimacy, and budgeting collectively—alongside "defensive" safeguards, including resolving anger before bedtime, practicing quick repentance, and establishing strict digital and physical boundaries to defend the marriage from external threats.
Sermon Transcript
Introduction and Scripture Reading
If you would open with me in your Bibles to Ephesians chapter 5 this morning. Ephesians 5, we're going to continue our series for the summer, focusing on the family, "All in the Family."
Last week, we had a little bit of a break from our series with my friend, Pastor Ben Bufkin, who was here in town. How many of you appreciate the word that he brought last week about the sufficiency and the authority of God's word and how God's word in our life produces worship and transformation? It was really a wonderful word, and I would encourage you, if you missed it, to get on our website and let it minister to you.
Today, we're back in this series, and we're looking at this text that we have looked at now here for the last several weeks. This morning, we're going to focus on the phrase from verse 31, where Paul says that husband and wife are one flesh. We're going to focus on that phrase this morning, looking at the kind of unity that God desires for us to have as husband and wife in marriage. We'll read the whole passage just so we have the context this morning, but we are going to focus in on that particular portion today. I invite you to stand with me. We'll jump right in to the Word of God today. We'll start here in verse 22:
Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now, as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their own husbands.
Husbands, love your wives as Christ has loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that you might be holy and without blemish. In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife, loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.
Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother. This is the first commandment with a promise, that it may go well with you, that you may live long in the land. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Father, speak to our hearts today through your word. Lord, I know that there are many different people in here, from many different walks of life. Lord, there are those of us here today who are married. There are those of us here today who are not. There are those of us here who are pursuing marriage. There are those of us whose spouses are no longer here with us, but are there in your presence today. Lord, I pray that you would help us, all of us this morning, to see how we fit into your design for the family, that we might have a greater understanding of your work in our lives. Lord, that your word would have that effect that we heard last week. Lord, it doesn't return to you void, but it produces a great harvest. I pray your word would work in our hearts by your Holy Spirit today, that our marriages, our relationships, would bring you glory. In Jesus' name, we pray. Amen.
You may be seated today.
The Desperation for Jesus in Marriage
This is the seventh message in this series, and we've walked through this passage, looking at, really verse by verse, the relationship of a wife to her husband, the relationship of a husband to his wife. And in all of it, what we've seen over and over again is just how desperate we are for Jesus to be in the middle of our relationships as married couples. Jesus said, "Without me, you can do nothing." And that certainly applies to this passage. It certainly applies to living a life and having a marriage that brings honor and glory to him. If we don't have Jesus in the middle of it, there's no hope for us in any area of life. We need Jesus.
Today, as I mentioned, we are focusing in on this phrase in verse 31: "that the two shall become one flesh." This unity that God designed marriage to have. This might come as a surprise to some of you, depending on your background and how you grew up or even the marriage you might be in, but God actually wants husband and wife to be unified in marriage. For there to be unity among the husband and the wife. Unfortunately, oftentimes the exact opposite is true. Oftentimes there's not harmony, but great clashing and disunity in a home and a marriage. And when that happens, it does not bring honor and glory to God.
Disunity, disharmony, fighting, bickering, tearing each other down with our words, constantly arguing about every little thing under the sun, in no way gives glory to God in marriage. Jesus said this, that every house divided against itself will not stand. Division and disunity in a marriage do not bring God glory. In fact, they are the pathway to divorce. When there's division, disunity, fighting, that is the pathway to eventual separation and divorce. And if we want to, on the other hand, leave a legacy of God-glorifying marriages, representing well what he teaches here, handing on our example of faithfulness in marriage to our spouse, to our children, and grandchildren—if we want to do that as married couples, we must strive for unity in our marriages. It's something we have to work for, something we have to strive for, something we have to labor for. So this is what we're going to be talking about here this morning.
I want to begin by laying out for you five truths about marital unity. We'll start with some truths and then we'll finish today by looking at some applications, some things that we can do to protect the unity of our marriages.
Five Truths About Marital Unity
1. Christ is the Only True Source of Unity
The first truth that you need to know if you're going to have unity in your marriage, if you're going to be one flesh with your spouse, is that Christ is the only true source of unity. I debated on whether to use the word source or to use the word foundation here. Both are absolutely applicable. He is the only foundation for true and lasting unity.
Now, are there other things besides Christ that can unify and bring people together? Yes, there are. There are many other things in life that people unite around, that bring people together. For example, in marriage, people will often have their feelings for one another be their unifying factor. How they feel about one another will be the source of their unity. That's okay in as far as it goes, but that doesn't go very far because our feelings are temporary. Our feelings change all the time. If my marital unity is based on how I feel in my emotions, the unity in my marriage will be like a roller coaster ride. It'll be all over the place because I feel one way one day, I feel another way the next. I feel all kinds of things all the time, and I know that you are the exact same way.
Some married couples let their physical attraction to one another be their source of unity. That's fine when you're 19 and 20, but we're all eventually subject to gravity, the aging effects of the sun, and poor diet, and all of these things. So if simply physical attractiveness is the source of what brings us unity in marriage, what happens when we're not attracted to each other in the way that we used to be? Oftentimes, that unity that was there disappears.
Every other source of unity, whatever it might be other than Christ, is temporary and will ultimately fail. If a marriage is built on, centered around, the foundation for the marriage is anything other than Christ, eventually the cracks will come in. Now, people can stay together. How many of you have known people who have just stuck it out? Because "I said, 'I do,' and I'm just going to stick it out till death do us part, till Jesus comes, or I die, and I hope I die tomorrow because I can't take this anymore." There's a better way to live as a married couple than just sticking it out. That's to be unified around Christ.
You see, Christ is eternal. He's not temporary, and he never fails. So when we base our marriage around Christ, the only source, the only foundation, we are basing our marriage on something that will last and will never fail. Jesus said everything else is shifting sand. Everything else will not stand the storms of life. There are storms of life. It's easy to get along with your spouse when everything's going well. But when things aren't going well, when there are storms and troubles—and tribulation and storms are promised to all of us—what then is the source of our unity? Christ is eternal, and he will never fail. The reason that I, personally, am devoted to my wife is because I am first devoted to Christ. Because he is my king, he is my savior. He has saved me, changed me, forgiven me, given me an eternal hope. He's my Lord. As I seek to serve him, as I come to his word, because he is number one, his word instructs me on how I am to live in relationship to my spouse. And it's the same with Heather as well. Christ is the only true and lasting source of unity in marriage.
Flip back with me to Ephesians 1, looking at verses 9 and 10. This is speaking of God the Father, what he has done for us through God the Son, Jesus. It says in verse 9:
...making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.
This is what God is doing through Christ, through the cross, through the gospel. He is restoring, reconciling, uniting all things back into their proper relationship to him as the Creator. All things united in Christ, things in heaven and things on earth—that includes our marriages. There is no other true source of unity other than Jesus Christ.
Look at chapter 2, verse 14 of Ephesians. Here Paul is speaking about Jews and Gentiles, the strong division that was there. But he says:
For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility.
Oftentimes there's hostilities in marriage. But it's only through Christ that those divisions can be erased, done away with, abolished. The division here he's talking about is between Jew and Gentile. And if God can reconcile Jew and Gentile, he absolutely can reconcile you and your spouse over whatever little squabble you might be having.
Look here at Ephesians chapter 4, starting in verse 1. Paul says:
I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call—one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift.
This is how we, as believers in Christ, are called to walk with one another. Humility, patience, bearing with one another in love, maintaining the unity of the Holy Spirit in our marriage, in our homes. Now all of these verses—chapter 1, chapter 2, chapter 4—none of them are specifically about marriage. Those are just verses on how to treat one another in the body of Christ. How to treat your brothers and sisters in Christ.
Let me ask you this: Is your spouse your brother or sister in Christ? I'm speaking to Christian couples here this morning. I understand that you may be married to someone who is not a believer in Christ. Paul in 1 Corinthians 7 and Peter in 1 Peter 3 give specific instructions on how we as believers should relate to an unbelieving spouse. But in both of those passages, he doesn't lower the bar. He raises the bar. Because he says, this is how we're to treat one another in the body of Christ, but the bar should be raised when we're treating people outside because we're to be lights to them, that they might come to know and love our Savior. Because we're representing Jesus to them.
But if you're married to a believing spouse, something that we really should meditate on, but I think sometimes we forget, is that your spouse is a member of the body of Christ. If you're a husband, your wife is your sister in Christ. If you're a wife, your husband is your brother in Christ. I don't think we reflect on that enough in marriage. Two believers in marriage share a unity and a bond that will last for eternity. Though our marriage bond here on Earth will not last for all eternity, our union with each other in Christ will. And it's important for us to recognize this, because all of the instructions we have in the Word of God about how to treat our brothers and sisters in Christ apply to our marriage. How awful would it be for us to have this high standard for how we treat our sisters in Christ—I'll just speak to the husbands here—we come to church, we endeavor to live by the Word of God and treat our sisters in Christ this way, and at home we don't do it. How awful would that be? That we don't treat our spouse like our brother and our sister in Christ.
All of the "one anothers" in the Word of God that speak to how we as believers should treat one another apply to marriage. Be at peace with one another, accept one another. Do not grumble against one another. Be of the same mind with one another. Clothe yourselves with humility. Love one another, serve one another, encourage one another, build each other up, speak the truth to one another. Teach and admonish. Be kind, tenderhearted, forgiving one another. Bear with one another. Don't complain against each other. Serve each other. Give preference to one another, prefer one another in honor. Confess your sins. Do not bite and devour one another. Do not envy, do not lie, do not judge, do not slander one another. Yes, they're your spouse. Yes, they're your wife. Yes, they're your husband. But they're also a child of God. We, as believers in Christ, are called to treat the people of God in a particular way. And all of those apply to marriage. Christ being the source of our unity means seeking to obey his word in our relationships with our spouse.
When I was considering pursuing Heather, before I did, I went and sat down with her father, who's here today, Doug Pittman. I asked his permission to begin speaking with her. I told him my intentions. I wasn't saying I was going to marry her. I just wanted to pursue her. He gave me his blessing, and he also said, "Just by the way, if you mistreat her, I can swing a 9-iron really hard." There was a little bit of a joke in that, and a little bit that's not a joke. He was telling me, in no uncertain terms, you better treat my daughter right. If it's that way with earthly fathers, how much more with our heavenly Father? We better treat God's daughters right. We better treat God's sons right. Christ becomes the only true and lasting source of unity as it's an expression of my relationship with the Lord, that I seek to keep God's word towards my spouse. Everything else will eventually fade and fail.
2. God is the One Who Unites Husband and Wife
God is the one who brings husband and wife together in marriage. Flip over with me to Matthew 19. The Pharisees come and ask Jesus a question about marriage and divorce. In verse 4, Jesus says this:
"Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'?"
That portion, we see Paul quoting in our passage, Ephesians 5. But here in verse 6, Jesus goes on to say:
"So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate."
God is the one who unites husband and wife in marriage. It is not the pastor who pronounces them husband and wife who unites them. It's not the priest. It's not the state or the government that makes man and wife one. Marriage is a covenant that is sovereignly administered by God. He uses a minister to make the pronouncement, but God is the one who joins husband and wife together. His argument is: if you didn't do the joining, you don't have the right to do the separating. We cannot break what God has put together.
God's plan is for faithfulness, fidelity, for us to keep God's word towards our spouses, loving them, cherishing them, protecting them, honoring them. We live in a fallen and broken world. Many people do not remain faithful to their vows. Many people, even Christians, try to build their marriage on some foundation other than Christ, which eventually leads to catastrophe. When a spouse separates from you and breaks their vows, you need to understand that you are not the one who did the separating. They broke what God put together. In those circumstances, when there's been unfaithfulness, there enters in sin and separation, and the believing spouse is free. The Apostle Paul is very clear on this in 1 Corinthians 7; the believer is free to remarry in the Lord.
But divorce is not the goal of marriage. Faithfulness, fidelity, humility, bearing with one another in love, leaving a godly legacy, a testimony to Christ and his work is the goal. We all know we can't have the kind of marriage God wants us to have in our own strength. If there's any good in marriage, any faithfulness, any true and lasting and abiding love, it brings glory to Christ because in and of ourselves, that's nothing we can produce.
3. Because God Has United You, You Are One
I know that sounds elementary, but this is a fact that we can forget. Sometimes we think that there's two people in a marriage, but there really is one party. This is what the text says: God has joined them together, there is no longer two, but one flesh. You need to view yourself and your spouse as one. Why? Because you are one. Is that not what the text says?
You need to recognize this and constantly remind your children of this. My children love to pit us against each other. They're experts at trying to weasel their way in between me and my wife to get what they want. I remind my kids all the time: "No, Mom said this. We're one. What she says counts for me. What I say counts for her. You're not going to get us to start disagreeing with one another." I have wonderful children, but just like me, they're sinners too. And where do they get it from? They get it from me, their sinful father. I'm able to recognize it very quickly.
Husbands and wives, you need to understand you are one. You need to remind yourself of this, and this is something God needs to give you by revelation. You might say, "Well, I feel like there's two of us." It's probably because there's some disunity there. There's probably some things you're not unified on that you need to resolve and work through. When there's true unity in marriage, there is this oneness that comes between husband and wife that is glorious and beautiful and is a perfect reflection of Christ and the church. Paul says husbands should love their wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. If I mistreat my spouse, I'm mistreating myself. If I attack her, I'm just shooting myself in the foot, because we are one.
4. Satan Will Attack Your Unity
Because you are one and have been made one by God, Satan will attack your unity. We see this in Genesis chapter 3 at the beginning of the human story. Satan does not even show up until there's a marriage. It's only after man and woman have been brought together that Satan begins to attack them because Satan hates marriage. Good, godly marriage is a picture of Christ and the church. He wants your marriage to fail.
What this means is that every single day of marriage is spiritual warfare. We don't get a day off. Sometimes when we think of spiritual warfare, we think of The Exorcist or magic spells. Listen, that's not spiritual warfare. Spiritual warfare is the battle between truth and lies. That's it. Principalities, powers, strongholds—it's through lies entering in. The lies of our emotions, our feelings, and our misunderstandings are all lies we have to be on guard against. Every day is spiritual warfare, but not spiritual warfare against your spouse. You are one with your spouse. Your spouse is not your enemy or your competition. You are on the same team. Spiritual warfare in marriage is you and your spouse against the devil.
5. Our Weapon in This Battle is the Word of God
Your marriage will be attacked by the devil in a daily battle, and we have one weapon to fight against him: the Word of God. Are you skilled and trained in the Word of God? Do you know it? Are you so trained in the truth that when Satan sows lies into your marriage, you are able to spot them? If you're not, there are things you can do. You can read the Bible every day. You can go to Kingdom Bible Institute (KBI). You can get in a community group together. You need to be trained in the truth. This is a daily thing: God's word daily washing over us, daily reaffirming our commitments to the Lord as we spend time with him in his word.
Practical Applications for Marital Unity
I want to finish today with some applications. How do we apply these truths? The first is that we need to play offense in our marriage; that's being proactive. The second is we have to know how to play defense; that's being reactive. Proactive means the things we're actively doing to produce and protect unity. Defensive means how we defend against the things that come our way.
Playing Offense: Proactive Steps
First and foremost, pray with your spouse. There is something so powerful when a husband and wife pray together and for one another. If you're not doing that, today's your day to start. Don't look back at the wasted years; that's the devil's way of keeping you in bondage. If you have little kids in the house, it's difficult to spend hours in prayer, but you can make it part of your daily life. Just praying together at the beginning of the day as you head off to work, asking for God's blessing and protection, is a powerful weapon. It's very difficult to pray bad things for somebody. When there's friction, praying together forces God to start working in my heart to genuinely ask for their good.
Number two: encourage each other with the Word of God. Share Scripture with one another. Make the Word of God central in your home. It reorients everybody's heart around the truth after we've all gone our different ways throughout the day.
Thirdly, worship the Lord together. You're here doing this today—great. Make this a priority. Here's something we can grow in: when you hear the word of God preached, take that word and chew on it together throughout the week. Spend time on Sunday evening or Monday saying, "What was it the Lord spoke to you? How are we going to live this out this week?" Then hold each other accountable with positive encouragement. Don't let distractions take away the seed of the Word of God before you even make it to the parking lot.
Another thing that protects unity proactively is having consistent physical intimacy with one another. That one-flesh union involves the sexual union of a wife with her husband. Paul talks about this in 1 Corinthians 7:3-4, that this is something we owe to our spouse. We have pledged fidelity to one another. The flip side is making ourselves available to guard and protect each other because our flesh is weak. The Puritans had a beautiful saying for intimacy in marriage: "due benevolence." D-U-E, due benevolence. We owe this love to one another. Try texting your spouse, "We're going to have some due benevolence today." See how it works! But it needs to be a regular part of marriage. If not, Paul says you make room for the devil.
I would also encourage you to have a clearly defined purpose statement for your family. What is your marriage about? If it's only personal satisfaction, that's too low. In my family, we have a very clear understanding that the chief end of man is to glorify God. When you both understand that the purpose of your marriage is for the glory of God, it becomes the lens through which you evaluate everything. You're working together towards the same goal, not butting heads.
I would also encourage you to have a monthly budget. A lot of conflicts arise over money. In marriage, there is ourmoney. You are one. My kids will say, "Dad, she doesn't make money, she stays at home, you decide." I remind them, "It's not my money, it's our money." She contributes to this household just as much as I do. You both bring it to the table, budget together, and decide how you are going to spend it for the glory of Christ.
Finally on offense, carve out time together regularly alone. Get the kids in bed early, and spend time together without the children. Make it a priority once a week.
Playing Defense: Reactive Safeguards
Let me run through defense really quickly. Number one is: do not go to bed angry. Ephesians 4:26 says, "Do not let the sun go down on your wrath." We have arguments, we don't always agree, and sometimes we get angry. But we need to make sure we don't go to bed angry. That doesn't mean we will agree before going to bed, but it means we have reconciled and cleared the air. We reaffirm our love and commitment, saying, "We'll continue to discuss this later, but honey, I love you, you love me, and we love Christ." When we go to bed angry, we make room for the devil.
Secondly, be quick to confess your sins and repent. When you sin against your spouse—and news flash, you are a sinner—be very quick to confess, ask for forgiveness, and repent. Take it to Jesus and get it under the blood as quickly as possible.
Thirdly, guard your spouse from outside criticism. This can come from family, often from a father or mother who is critical of your spouse. There comes a day when you leave your father and mother, and you say, "Mom and Dad, thank you, but you need to be quiet. I love you and honor you, but I'm not going to listen to you criticize my wife or my husband." Husbands, you can't go riding off to Mommy every time you have a spat with your spouse to hear her tell you how good you are and how bad your wife is. Do not allow outside voices to bring criticism.
Next, have proper digital safeguards. This includes blockers on devices and open access. Your spouse should know your passwords. If they ask to see your phone, you should hand it over without hesitation, day or night. If there's hesitation, there's a real problem.
Lastly, put proper physical safeguards in place. This would include things like the Billy Graham rule. My dad taught all his sons never to be alone with a woman who is not our wife. That is an honorable standard that shows you care deeply about protecting your marriage from the devil's attacks. A wife should have the standard never to be alone with another man, and a husband never alone with another woman.
Conclusion and Closing Prayer
The only true source of unity is Christ and his word. As we seek to live under his lordship, we can pursue unity in our marriages for his glory. When Christ is the standard and the unifying factor, he glues us together. The storms of life will come, but with Christ in the middle, our houses will stand and he will be glorified.
I invite you to stand with me as we close today. If you're with your spouse, I encourage you to take their hand. I want to pray a blessing over the marriages that are here today.
Father, I just thank you for the marriages of this house, the marriages of Christ as King Church. Lord, I thank you for the gift of marriage and the godly spouses you have given us. None of us are perfect, but I thank you that you've shown us in your word how we can live at unity with one another. I pray that as we seek first your kingdom, you would produce such unity, peace, love, and joy in our marriages that we would be a reflection of you, Jesus, and the church. Even the watching world would look and take note. We confess that without you we can do nothing, but with you all things are possible.
For those going through a difficult season, I pray you would build their faith to trust and obey your word. Where there's brokenness from past hurts, bring deep and lasting healing. I declare freedom over the marriages of this house from hurts, abuse, and words spoken. We lay those things down at the foot of the cross. Lord, unite our hearts together. Put a love in our hearts for our spouse that is eternal, unwavering, and based on your steadfast love. Help us to live this way, not out of selfish ambition, but as a desire to see you glorified in our homes and our families. In Christ's name, we pray. Amen.