Biblical Fatherhood - All In The Family Week 9
Pastor Matt Bell
Sermon Summary
In this concluding sermon of a summer series on the family, Pastor Matt preaches from Ephesians 6:4, examining the biblical command for fathers to raise their children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. He establishes that Christ must be the central focus of every marriage and family in order to bear godly fruit. Pastor Matt breaks the text into three sections: the specific persons addressed (fathers, who naturally set the spiritual temperature of the home and reflect God the Father to their children), the prohibition against provoking children to anger (guarding against harsh tyranny and destructive words), and the precept to actively discipline and instruct children (guarding against the common male temptation of passive neglect and abdication). He challenges fathers to accept their God-given responsibility, take practical initiative in leading family discipleship, and ultimately rely on the grace of the gospel, remembering that children are saved by God's grace rather than perfect parenting.
Sermon Transcript
Introduction and Series Conclusion
I invite you to open with me in your Bibles to Ephesians, the book of Ephesians. This morning, we're finishing our summer series where we've been focusing on the family over the last few months here as a church. Today is the last Sunday from this series, from Ephesians chapters 5 and 6.
Next Sunday, we have a special guest who will be with us. I'm very excited and honored that we'll have Dr. Joe Boot here with us this next Sunday to bring the word of God to us. Of course, he'll be with us at our family camp that's happening this week. And how many of you are looking forward to that family camp? I think it's going to be a lot of fun. We sent out an email this week with some information on that. If you are going to the camp and you didn't get that email, please see Pastor Mark after service today to make sure you have everything that you need to get ready for family camp. But we've got family camp this weekend, and then this Sunday, we have Dr. Joe Boot, which will be a wonderful time together.
And so this morning, we're going to focus on verse 4 of chapter 6, the very last verse of our passage, but we will, of course, read the whole passage again together to remind us of the context and the flow of it. So I invite you to stand with me this morning as we read the Word of God together. We stand because we want to set God's word apart in our hearts as holy, as unto him. These aren't the words of men. But these are the words of the true and living God.
Ephesians 5:22 says, "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 'Honor your father and mother' (this is the first commandment with a promise), 'that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.' Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."
Opening Prayer
God, our Father, we thank you for your word. It is that precious lamp unto our feet and light unto our path. Lord, without your word, we would be lost. We would be in darkness. Lord, we would stumble through this life, not knowing what it was we were stumbling over, or the traps of the enemy that had been set before us. But God, because of your word, we know the paths in which we should walk. We know the ways in which we should go. Lord, these things are not a mystery to us because you have revealed them to us clearly.
God, I pray that you would help us as we focus on this final verse, this final message in this series. Lord, looking at fathers and parents, that you would help us as parents to raise our children in the ways of God, and to point them in the direction that they should go. And we thank you for the promises of your word, which are yes in Christ. In Jesus' name, we pray. Amen.
You may be seated.
Christ Must Be All in All
Before we look at this final verse, I want to draw your attention to something that I think we've probably seen already many times, but I want to make it abundantly clear that when it comes to family and family life, when it comes to husbands and wives, when it comes to marriages and raising children, what we see permeating this whole passage is Christ. It is Jesus. And I want to press this thought into you right as we begin here today that Christ must be all in all. He has to be the center of our lives. He has to be the center of our marriages. He has to be the center of our families and the center of our parenting.
This has been the instruction that the apostle Paul has given us when he looked at each of these relationships. So when he talked to the wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. This isn't something separated from Christ. This is something done as unto Christ. When he gives instructions to the husbands, we are to love our wives as Christ loves the church. Children are to obey their parents in the Lord. And then finally here, fathers are to discipline and instruct their children in the ways of the Lord.
Christ is to be all in all. He is to be preeminent. He is to be number one in every area of life. And if Christ is not central in our families, if Christ is not central in our marriages, if Christ is not central in our parenting, our families will not flourish. Jesus said, if you abide in me, if you live in me, if my word abides in you and lives in you, then you will bear much fruit. If we are abiding in Christ, if we are living in Christ, if he is the central focus and the preeminent force of our life, if he is who we are living for, if he is who we are living for his glory, if he is central, we will bear the right kind of fruit that we want to bear in our lives and in our marriages. And if he is not, we won't. Jesus said, without me you can do nothing.
And so if our marriages, our families, if our relationship to our spouse is cut off from Christ, it will be dead, it will be dry, it will not produce good and godly, lasting fruit. But if Christ is all in all, then we will produce the kind of fruit that we want to see and he wants to see from our lives. This is what Paul has been saying from the very beginning. Every single one of these instructions is attached to the Lord Jesus. Marriage is from him; it's to be lived to him. Husband and wife relate to one another in Christ, children and parents in Christ. It's all about him. You see, when we make marriage about us, now we are going astray. Marriage really is about Christ. It's a picture of Christ and the church. It's to be lived out unto his glory. And when we do that, we will bear much fruit.
Christ must be all in all. In every area of life, this doesn't just apply to family. Of course, that's what we're talking about today, but this applies to every area of life. This is why I began our service this morning with the call to worship that from him and to him belongs all the glory. All the glory unto him.
The Persons: Fathers and Children
Finally here, this verse, chapter 6, verse 4, this last final verse of these instructions on family life: "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." These instructions here to the fathers are broken into three sections. I'll share them with you upfront, and then we'll look at them together. The first is the persons that are addressed. Secondly, is the prohibition, and thirdly, the precept.
Let's first here look at the persons that we are going to look at today. I'm going to invite our projectionist to advance the slide. Thank you. We're looking at the fathers and the children. These are the persons who are addressed here. "Fathers, do not provoke your children."
Now, immediately, because we live in a culture that is the way that it is, I know that many of you may be asking the question, well, what about the mothers? Where are the moms in this? Why doesn't he say anything about mothers? Do mothers have no spiritual impact in the lives of their children? Well, of course not. Of course mothers have great spiritual impact in the life of their children. I, myself, am great witness to that, and many of us here today would say "yes and amen" that our lives have been greatly impacted by the faith of our mothers and even our grandmothers. That would be my testimony, that I learned much as a child of godliness from both my mother and my grandmothers. My testimony is that their impact on my spiritual life was profound, and it continues even to this day.
Even Paul's own protégé in ministry, Timothy—whom he is the pastor of the church in Ephesus, the letter that we're reading—Timothy had been raised by a godly mother and grandmother. Timothy's father was an unbeliever. He was a Gentile. And later, you'll read in 1 Timothy that Paul instructs Timothy to hold tightly to the faith that was handed to him by his mother and his grandmother. And so mothers, of course, have a great spiritual impact on their children. There is no question about that. Much of what I will say here today could be applied to mothers as well in the family. But I think there are several different reasons why Paul singles out the fathers, and I want to highlight them for you this morning.
Why is it about the fathers and the children? The first is that our earthly fathers shape our understanding and our view of God the Father. How our earthly fathers treat us, love us, care for us, influences the way we think about and view God, the heavenly Father. Many of you have struggled with this in your own life because your natural father was not a good, godly representation to you of your heavenly Father. And you have struggled to receive his love or to believe that he loves you because you have struggled with your earthly father and that relationship. And so the first reason why Paul addresses this is to remind earthly fathers that the way you love your children will be a representation in their minds of the way God loves them.
In 1 John 3, it says this: "See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are." That's the revelation that Jesus brought to humanity—that God wasn't some angry God, but that he was a loving Father who is in heaven. This is why when Jesus taught us to pray, he taught us not to pray to the Almighty, not to pray to the Lord of Heaven's Armies, but to pray to "Our Father who art in heaven." And it's an undeniable fact that our earthly fathers leave a mark on us with our view of God. Now that can be for good, that can be not so good. And so fathers, that's why he addresses you.
The second reason is that the spiritual life of the family flows from the spiritual life of the father. The father's spiritual life will dictate the spiritual life and temperature and culture of that family. By addressing the fathers in this way, Paul is not making a prescription. He's not saying this is the way it should be. He's not saying that fathers should set the tone for the spiritual life of the family. He is simply acknowledging that this is the fact of the way that it is. He is simply recognizing reality. Fathers set the spiritual climate for their homes and their families because we, as the head of the household, have been given real authority from God. And this real authority comes with real responsibility attached to it. It flows from our position of headship.
Just as I said earlier in the series that it's not Paul saying the husband should be the head of the house; Paul says the husband is the head of the house. In the same way, fathers, it's not that you should set the spiritual climate for your home; it's that you do. It's not whether you should or not. It's which climate you are setting for your home. You are setting the spiritual temperature of your household.
Now, some of you may be asking, well, what if the father is not a Christian? If the father is not a Christian, him being an unbeliever sets the tone for that family. Some would say, well, what if the father is absent? What if the father has left? His empty seat dominates that family. His absence dominates every aspect of life. Though he's not there, he is still setting the tone for the direction of the family. Now, can a godly mother work extra hard to overcome this lack and this absence? Yes, absolutely. But let's not fool ourselves into thinking that that absence or that unbelief or that abdication of responsibility is not setting the tone that she is then having to work extra hard to make up for.
It's like this. We live in South Texas. Thankfully, we've had a pretty mild summer this year. Jesus, I thank you for that. But we'll remember just a few years ago where we had something like 50 or 60 days over 100-degree weather. It was unbearably hot. Now, I have a house that has four young children in it. And so half of my summer is spent saying this: "Close the door. Close the door." I didn't understand why my parents were always so adamant that we, as children, closed the door until you start paying for the electricity bill. It's so amazing how when you become a parent, all the stuff your parents said just starts coming right out. And so I tell my children, "I'm not paying to air condition all of Texas. I'm only paying to air condition this house."
So how does this apply to fathers? If you leave the back door open when it's 100 degrees outside, can you still cool the house? You can, but you have to run that thing ten times as hard. It is possible. But it is a lot more difficult. It's the same way with a father. If they are rowing in the direction they should be rowing, it's like the door is shut. The temperature can be set. But what I'm trying to say is that the father's temperature, the father's spiritual life, dominates the family. It absolutely dominates the family. Can a godly mother raise her children and make up for the lack? Yes, absolutely, she can. But that's not the way it's supposed to be. It's supposed to be the father training his children, loving his children, showing them a picture of our heavenly Father, and especially not being absent or gone.
It's like gravity. Can gravity be overcome? It can. With enough work and enough effort and enough force, yes, gravity can be overcome. But that's not the natural state of things. And so the father has a gravitational pull to his spiritual life. Fathers, if you love Jesus, and you are passionate about him and passionate about his word, and you have made it your aim to live for his glory, you create a gravity around yourself, and you take your family where you're going.
And fathers, if you are not passionate about the Lord, and you don't care for the things of God, and you only show up at church just to make your wife be nice for the rest of the week, and just so she's not nagging you, but you're checking the score, and you can't wait to get back to the house and to the barbecue and to put away a six-pack... if the central focus of your life is not God, not Christ, not the things of God, you have a gravitational pull to you, and you will pull your family in that direction. It's an inescapable reality. Now, can a godly mother and wife exert enough strength and spiritual life to rescue her children and to pull them out of that destructive orbit? Yes, sometimes. But how much better when the whole family is living for the glory of Christ.
The third reason Paul addresses fathers is that abdicating responsibility is one of man's greatest temptations. I don't have time today, but I would direct your attention to Genesis 3, to Adam in the garden, and his responsibility to care for his wife, to protect his wife, to lead and to guide his wife as the head that God had made him. And his abject and total failure in doing that—allowing his wife to be deceived, allowing his wife to fall into sin, and himself falling into sin after his wife, instead of doing what he should have done and saying, "No, get out of here, devil, you're a liar. We're going to trust and believe in God's word." That's the authority that God had given to Adam, and fathers and husbands, that's the authority that God has given to us. But Adam didn't do that. And when he sinned and God came and asked him why he sinned, what did Adam do? He played the blame game. He said, "The woman you gave me." His first response was to blame his wife, and ultimately to blame God because God is the one who had given her to him. "God, it's her fault. God, it's your fault, but it's definitely not my fault."
That's called abdication. Because we are all sons of Adam, we all have that brokenness in us, that proclivity towards abdication of responsibilities. It is one of our greatest temptations, and so I believe that's another reason why the apostle Paul specifically addresses fathers to remind us of this great calling and responsibility that we have. Mothers typically are more inclined to care for the spiritual condition of their children. I think Paul knows that. And so this is why he specifically addresses fathers to say, "Guys, you've got to get your head in the game." You can't simply delegate this responsibility off onto the shoulders of your wife. This is a burden you were meant to carry and designed by God to carry. Yes, mothers are to be involved in the spiritual formation of their children. That is obvious. But fathers, we have the unique responsibility of ensuring that this gets done. And we cannot delegate this to our wives and say, "It's her job now, I wash my hands of it."
The Prohibition: Do Not Provoke to Anger
The second part of this verse is this prohibition. We see this here in the second part where he says, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger." He says, do not do this. And in both this prohibition and then also in the precept, he's protecting us from two extremes. This prohibition is protecting fathers from the extreme of tyranny, of harshness, of ruling the home with an iron fist. Some fathers are this way. They have such a heavy hand in their home that everyone in the home is walking on eggshells all the time. These fathers have no joy in their hearts, and therefore because of that, there is no joy in their home. Their hearts are filled with anger, their hearts are filled with bitterness, their hearts are filled with malice, and they take these things out on their families.
And so Paul here is saying, do not be a tyrant. Do not be overly harsh with your children, because if you are this way, the portrait you're painting of God is one of an angry tyrant. And that is not who God is. God is not an angry tyrant at all. The beautiful portrait we have of God the Father is the story of the prodigal son. After that son who was disrespectful, who squandered all of his father's and family's legacy and possessions, after he wasted it on wild living, when that son came home, what did the Father do? He ran to him and embraced him. This is the picture of God the Father. Not one of an angry tyrant, but one who loves and forgives and is patient and is merciful. And when we are angry, when we are overly harsh, when we are bitter, we paint a false picture of God in the eyes of our children.
Another way that fathers provoke their children is in the words that they speak. Instead of blessing their children, they curse their children. Maybe they curse with four-letter words. But you can curse your children without ever uttering an explicit word. You can curse your children by saying things like, "You are good for nothing," or "You will never amount to anything," or "Life was pretty good until you showed up." Fathers, your words carry immeasurable weight.
In James 3, speaking about our tongues, it says with our tongues we bless our Lord and Father, and yet with it we curse people made in the likeness of God. From our mouths come both blessing and cursing. But he goes on to say, "My brothers, these things ought not to be so." It shouldn't be that we bless God, and we worship God, and we come and we sing his praises on Sunday morning, but then we get to the parking lot and we're speaking down to our children. We're tearing them down. We're ridiculing them. We're speaking death into them and death over them with our words. He asks the question, does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh water and salt water? Of course not. From our mouths should come blessing and worship towards God, and blessing towards our children.
Jesus said that out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. What's in your heart will come out of your mouth. That's why your words are so powerful, because they reveal what's in the heart. So the lesson in this is not "try to control your tongue"; the lesson is deal with the sin in your heart. The book of Proverbs says, tend to your heart because from your heart flows all the issues of life. One way we can know what's in our heart is what is coming out of our mouth. Is it blessing? Is it building your children up? Fathers, you are called to speak blessing over your children in the same way that God the Father speaks blessing over us. We need to see our children through the eyes of faith, as sons and daughters of God, through the eyes of the gospel.
This is a great lesson that I take from my earthly father. He was someone who always spoke blessing over us as his children. He wasn't perfect, but he was a godly man. He told us things that I didn't believe and I thought he was crazy for saying, but he constantly said these things over us. Things like, "You're a champion." I'm fourteen and pimply-faced and fat, I'm not a champion of nothing. "You're a champion. You're a victor. You're an overcomer. There's no weapon formed against you that will prosper." He wouldn't allow us to say the word "can't." He would say, "Say you can do all things through Christ." He constantly would speak these words of affirmation and blessing and victory over our lives. I'm thankful to God that I had somebody in my life who believed in me.
Fathers, your children need someone who will believe in them. You might be looking at your child like, "My goodness, I don't know if I can believe in them." But believe in the gospel. Believe in the power of Christ to work and to transform them and to make them into victors in Christ. Does not the Bible say that we are victorious in Christ? Then believe that for your children. Speak those words over them and remind them of the promises of God. The word of God should be flowing out of your mouth, fathers and mothers, because the word of God should be in your heart. If we love Jesus, we will share with them our love for him and our faith. But if our hearts are cold towards Jesus, we will also share that with them as well.
The Precept: Discipline and Instruction
Thirdly here, the precept. "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." The precept is to discipline and instruct our children. Now, the temptation on the one hand is towards harsh tyranny. That's the prohibition against provoking. But there's another temptation that the precept guards against, and that temptation is passive neglect. Some fathers are not harsh tyrants. They're just in zombie mode. You kind of knock on their forehead—"Hello, anybody home?"—as they're just kind of oblivious, neglecting their families and their children and everything going on around them. That's that sin of abdication.
This word "discipline" is a word our world doesn't care much for today in our culture. We don't hear a lot of people talking today about discipline in any area of life. But we as Christians aren't to be trained by what's fashionable in the culture. Our children need to be disciplined. Of course, it begins with faithful instruction. Consistent instruction. Your instructions to your children should not be a moving target. It shouldn't be a question of, "Well, which version of dad and mom are we going to get today?" But when the instructions are transgressed, when there is disobedience, there must be consequences. We're teaching our children that when we disobey authority, when we disobey the word that's been given to us, there are real consequences in life, and also in eternity. And so we must begin at a young age to discipline our children when they are young, when they are pliable, when they are teachable, before they become hardened and set in their ways.
The book of Proverbs is filled with instructions on disciplining children. The Bible actually instructs us to discipline our children with spanking. Proverbs 13:24: "Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him." I don't enjoy disciplining my children. I don't enjoy spanking my children. In fact, I could go as far to say it's the least favorite part of my job. Yet, it's part of my job to discipline my children. And when they transgress, when they disobey, when they disrespect the authority in their life, there are consequences. Now, we do not beat our children. We do not abuse our children. Spanking should be an investment. It shouldn't hurt or harm the child, but there should be some pain associated with it. The goal is not to injure the child. The goal is to teach the child that when you disobey God, there are painful consequences. It's much better for them to understand that when they're three, four, five, and six, than when they're 23, 24, 54, and 56, and make shipwreck of their lives.
What we do is we always sit down with the child. We ask them, "What happened? What's going on?" We're trying to draw out what's in the child's heart. "Why did you disobey your mother? Why did you speak to her this way?" Then there's a time of explaining that when we disobey God's Word, there is discipline that comes from that. "It's my responsibility as your father to do this. I don't enjoy this, and yet it's something I must do, because if I don't do it, not only have you disobeyed God, but now I'm disobeying God." So there is a time of swatting, and then we always finish with a time of prayer where we teach the child to ask the Lord for forgiveness, because really it's reconciliation with God that we're after. We explain to them sin and repentance in Jesus and his blood. We lead the children in a prayer of repentance. Then I pray for my child, and I pray God's blessing on them. And then when we're done, I say, "That's it. It is finished." We hug each other, I have them apologize, and then that's it. It's under the blood. It's not being thrown in their face. Once it's done, it's done.
It is not just to discipline them; it is also to instruct them. It says to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Fathers, Paul places this responsibility of spiritual instruction on your shoulders. Hear me clearly: it is not the church's job to instruct your children in the ways of God. It's not Abraham's job as the youth pastor. It's not Richard's job in children's ministry. Fathers, this is your job. Whatever we do here at church is only supplemental. You have your children for 168 hours a week. We have them for one. If you're counting on us to do the job, it's not going to get done.
Now you might say, "I don't know how to do that. Nobody showed me. My dad was a train wreck." Okay. Come and learn. I will show you how to do that. Find a godly man who can instruct you. But what you can't say is, "I don't know how, so I won't." That is not an option. That is abdication.
There are so many wonderful tools that we have to lead our families in worship. Apps, books, catechisms, family devotions. Something we've been doing lately is we're just reading through the book of Genesis chapter by chapter. After dinner, I get out the Bible, read a chapter, we talk about it, pray for our missionary of the month, sing a song, and dismiss. It doesn't have to be a three-hour seminary course. Little children need little nuggets. On the car ride to school in the morning, we have a promise box from my Grandma Bell. I have each of the kids pull out a Bible verse and we talk about it. The point is that Christ is central in our family. Fathers, you shouldn't know more about Victor Wembanyama than you know about Jesus Christ, the Savior of the world. Your kids know what you're excited about. If you're not excited about the Lord, go to him in prayer. "God, I'm not excited about your word. I need your help. I confess this is a sin."
Applications for Fathers
Just a few applications, and then we'll be dismissed here this morning.
Number one, fathers, you need to accept the responsibility. God has placed this responsibility on your shoulders. You need to step up to the plate and say, "I'm not going to be perfect, but God, you've called me to this, and I'm going to step up and do it."
The second thing is you need to take the initiative. You need to start making steps. Men, we know how to get things done if we want to get them done. We know how to chart a course and execute. We need to take the initiative not just in the natural things, but also in the spiritual things. What that means is you just take the first step. You're the one who pulls the Bible out at the end of dinner. You're the one who says we're going to start today with prayer. You don't have to be a theologian. Just take steps and watch how God will bless you.
Number three is we need to rely on the gospel. We need to rely on God's grace. Our children will not serve the Lord because of our great parenting. Our children will serve the Lord because of God's grace in their life. And so we need to be faithful to model God's grace. We need to be faithful to confess sin when we ourselves sin, admit that we are wrong, and ask our children for forgiveness. We need to show that we need Jesus just as much as they do. No one will be saved because of our good parenting. Whoever will be saved will be saved because of the grace of God in their life.
Fathers and mothers, accept this responsibility. You can bring up your children in the discipline and the instruction of the Lord when we make Christ all in all. We are doing this as stewards. Nothing belongs to us. Everything belongs to him, and we are to live everything for his glory. Amen.
Closing Prayer
I want to invite the fathers to stand here this morning. If you're a father here today, I just want to pray God's blessing on you and ask for him to help you in this responsibility. Let us together ask the Lord for help. We can't do this on our own strength. If we tried to do it on our own, it would crush us. But with the power of God and his strength in our lives, we won't be perfect, but we can be faithful.
God, our Father, we thank you for these fathers. Lord, we thank you that children are a blessing from you. And Lord, that you have blessed these men with children to steward, to point their lives in the direction that they should go. Lord, we confess our faults. We confess our sin. We confess that we need your help. Lord, we cannot do this in our own strength. Lord, we cannot do this in our own power or our own wisdom. God, we confess that we are wholly inadequate. And so we need your grace, we need your mercy. We need your guidance. We need your wisdom.
God, help us as we endeavor to be godly fathers who point our children to you, our heavenly Father. Lord, work in the lives of our children. God, save their souls, set them free, help them to be the people you created them to be. I pronounce, Lord, this blessing upon the men of this house and the fathers of this house. Lord, that we will pursue you. We will pursue righteousness. We will pursue faithfulness, and that you will bless our efforts. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.