The Biblical Portrait Of Marriage - All In The Family Week 4
Pastor Matt Bell
Sermon Summary
In this continuation of the "All in the Family" series, Pastor Matt transitions from the general principles of marriage to practical applications found in Ephesians 5, focusing specifically on the biblical duties of a wife. Grounded in the theological foundation that a God-glorifying marriage is only possible through a life submitted to and transformed by Jesus, the sermon outlines five key duties—the "Five A's"—required of a wife: Action (willing submission), Allegiance (fidelity and loyalty to her own husband), Adoration (submitting as an act of worship to the Lord), Authority (recognizing the husband as the God-ordained head of the home), and Attitude (showing genuine, inward and outward respect). Pastor Matt emphasizes that submission is not a marker of inferiority or a loss of voice, but a complementary role designed by God, providing practical guidance for wives in their calling and challenging husbands to lead sacrificially so that their wives' submission is a joy rather than a burden, ultimately pointing both spouses back to the grace of Christ.
Sermon Transcript
Introduction
If you have your Bibles, you can open them with me to Ephesians chapter 5. We'll spend our time here again, looking at Ephesians 5. We're in this series called All in the Family, this summer series where we're focusing in on the family. We'll be in this series until our family camp next month, and that family camp will be like a culmination of our summer, focusing in on the family and a celebration, really, of all of the families of our church. After that camp, we'll jump back into Matthew's gospel into chapter 25.
Just very quickly this morning, a brief reminder of some of the foundation we've laid already in this series on the family. We began by looking at what is man. Before we can talk about man and woman in family, we need to first understand what humanity is, and we saw that men and women are created in the image of God. And that our purpose is to show forth, to showcase God's glory, and to rule, subdue, and have dominion over the earth on behalf of God—not on behalf of ourselves, but on behalf of God, who is our creator. God brought man and woman into marriage and gave them a family as an integral part of man's purpose of filling the earth and subduing it, to provide a stable and safe environment for children, the next generation, to be born, to be raised, to be protected, and to then be launched into the purpose for which God created them.
Now, last week, we looked at this passage in Ephesians 5, and we looked at some general principles for marriage. We looked at three P's of marriage: the purpose of marriage, the polity of marriage, and the picture of marriage, which is Christ. Today, we're moving from these general principles that we saw last week in this passage to the practical applications, the specifics, the practical ways that these are to be lived out, the specific ways that God calls on the wife and the husband to live these things out.
The Theological Foundation of Marriage
Now, one thing to note is that this is Ephesians chapter 5. I know this might sound very, very simplistic, but before Ephesians 5 came four other chapters of Ephesians. And our apostle, the Apostle Paul, has already laid a foundation. He's covered a lot of ground before he gets to this fifth chapter on how a family should function. These practical applications build on that theological framework and foundation that he's already laid. He laid out in the first chapter, as I read after worship, that we have been chosen and called by God. Then he begins to walk that out, that it's a high calling to be chosen by God. He talks about being born again in chapter 2. We were dead in our sins, but God has made us alive in Christ. He talks about being filled with God's Spirit and God's power. He also talks about how, as believers, we no longer desire the things of the world, what Paul calls the old way or the old man, but instead, now we desire to do things God's way. He assumes that the reader—us—are part of a solid church with a community around us that can help us and hold us accountable, with pastors near to us who can guide us as we seek to live for Christ.
The point I'm making in all of this is that a God-glorifying marriage, how a husband should treat his wife, how a wife should treat her husband, how children should obey their parents—all of that is downstream from what God has already done for us in Christ. All of that is downstream of a life that is submitted to Jesus, has been saved by Jesus, and is being radically transformed by Jesus from the inside out. The foundation of a God-glorifying marriage is the grace and mercy of God found in Jesus. What we're reading about today cannot be accomplished through sheer willpower or determination. It truly can only come about as each husband and wife are walking with Jesus daily in the sanctifying power of the Holy Spirit. That is the only solid foundation for a God-glorifying marriage.
The point that the Apostle Paul is making is very clear throughout this whole letter. And that is that Christians, people who believe in Jesus, should be, in some respects, very distinct and different from the world. We're in the world, but we're not of the world. Our marriages and our families should look different from the unbelieving world around us. We need to keep in mind that none of this works without Jesus. It is for him, it is about him, and it is by his strength and his power. With that, why don't we stand as we read again from Ephesians chapter 5? The same passage we read last week, but I pray again that it will be a blessing to your soul as we get into the specifics here today.
Scripture Reading
"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 'Honor your father and mother' (this is the first commandment with a promise), 'that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.' Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."
Opening Prayer
Our God and our Father, we pray for our time together in your word. We pray that you would make this time profitable to us. Lord, that you would strengthen our marriages. Lord, that if we are single seeking a spouse, that you would help us to find a godly spouse, that we could have a God-glorifying marriage. Lord, help us to love one another as you have loved us, to forgive one another as you have forgiven us, to show grace and kindness and mercy to one another in our marriages, as you have shown those things to us. Lord, you are our perfect example. All of us will be imperfect, but you alone are the perfect one, who is perfecting us, your bride, through your word this morning. Sanctify us in the power of your Spirit, we pray. And help us to glorify you in the world around us as we live as lights and salt. In Jesus' name, we pray. Amen.
The Specifics: A Wife's Duties in Marriage
You may be seated this morning. We're moving from general principles to particular, specific applications. Today, we're going to follow the outline the Apostle Paul has given, and we're going to start by focusing in on the wife and her duties in marriage. We are getting into what the famous Spanish Catholic theologian, Nacho Libre, called the nitty-gritty, okay? That is what we're getting into here this morning.
Some people might object to the word "duty" because it implies something that you have to do or are obligated to do. A lot of people simply have romanticized ideas about love and marriage that would absolutely exclude anything with a hint of duty or obligation—that if somehow you didn't feel like doing something, by no means should you ever have to or be obligated to do it. But let us not forget that entering into marriage is an act that is voluntary. None of us are forced to marry. But when we do marry, what we are doing is we are obligating ourselves to our spouse. In our marriage vows, we pledge our faithfulness to our spouse to perform our duties that we owe to them.
Let me remind you of our marriage vows. To the husband, we would ask, "Do you promise before God and these witnesses that you will love, honor, and cherish your wife, and that, forsaking all others for her alone, you will perform unto her all the duties that a husband owes to his wife until God by death shall separate you? If so, answer, 'I do.'" And to the wife, the exact same question is answered: that you would forsake all others for him alone, and that you would perform unto him all the duties that a wife owes to her husband until God by death shall separate you. If so, answer, "I do." So this word "duty" shouldn't be a bad word. When we get married, we stand before God and witnesses and we make a promise, a vow, that we will fulfill the duties that we owe to our spouse.
What are those duties? Well, the Apostle Paul outlined some of them here in our passage, and today I see five duties that the Lord requires of a wife in marriage. I want to give them all to you up front. I've alliterated them so they all start with the letter A. We're going to see the action, the allegiance, the adoration, the authority, and the attitude.
1. The Action: Submission
We'll start with the action. We see this both in verse 22 and in verse 24, and the action is submission. "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord." And then again in verse 24, "so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands." What is the action that the Lord requires of the wife in marriage? That action is submission.
Now, the Bible's teaching on marriage roles might be the most offensive teaching in the Bible to our modern sensibilities. I really can't think of anything more at odds with our culture than this: "Wives, submit to your husbands." Most pastors I know today wouldn't even touch these things with a ten-foot pole. The consequence is that, oftentimes, families within the church are just as chaotic and disorganized as families in the world.
Let me start with what submission doesn't mean. A lot of times we have been lied to by our culture that would say, "If you submit to your husband, it means these things, and therefore you shouldn't do it." Submission does not mean that the wife is less valuable than the husband. Submission is not a value statement. It's not a value proposition. It's not a sign of inferiority. However, there are roles that God has prescribed within marriage, and it's vitally important that we are able to distinguish between the value of the person and the role that God calls a husband and a wife to. There's a difference between persons and roles.
Let me use some other examples to illustrate this. I'll use a sports analogy. On a sports team, you have the players. They're out there on the field or the court. They're the ones getting the job done. On the sidelines, you have a coach. They don't do the same thing. If the coach suited up to go into the game, it would be a disaster. If a player decided that he was going to be the coach, or all the players decided that they would be the coach, it would likewise be a disaster. Nobody going to a sports game ever thought, "I think that coach is more valuable as a human being than the players. I think they have more intrinsic value and worth as an image-bearer of God." Nobody has ever thought that. It's just a different role, but they have the same objective.
A similar example would be an employer and an employee: same value in the eyes of God, same value as human beings to be treated with dignity, value, and worth. Yet, to accomplish the same task, there are different roles. It's the same between an elected official and a citizen who elected them. The same would be in the military between a general and a private. No one would say that the general is more significant as a human being than a private. The teaching of Scripture is that all people who bear the image of God have equal dignity, value, and worth in the eyes of God, and are therefore to be treated with honor, love, and respect. There's a baseline relational demand that we owe to every other human being, irregardless of station, place, or even what they have done in their life.
And so it is with roles within marriage. As human beings, we have equal value and dignity in the eyes of God. But as husband and wife, we have different God-appointed roles. It's like a left hand and a right hand. I don't cut off my left hand just because I'm right-handed and say, "I don't need my left hand anymore." Just because one is more dominant and one is there to help and assist doesn't mean I don't think it's valuable, necessary, or that I want it very badly. They're not the same. God made husband and wife not the same, but to complement each other, to work together, to accomplish the same goal and objectives. So it's not a sign of inferiority. Otherwise, we would have to say that God the Son is inferior to God the Father. None of us would say that. That would be blasphemous. The Bible teaches that Christ is co-equal and co-eternal with God the Father. And yet Jesus, in the Garden of Gethsemane, prays, "Not my will, but yours, be done." This is a powerful picture of willing submission, not a picture of inferiority. Christ is our example of how we can willingly submit without being inferior as a person.
Submission also does not mean that you don't have your own opinion or your own thoughts, or that your opinion and thoughts don't matter. Submission doesn't mean, husbands, that you don't need your wife's input, advice, or counsel. Because your wife will see and understand things that you don't see and understand. God said in Genesis chapter 2 that it's not good for the man to be alone: "I will make him a helper fit for him." Husbands, you need your wife's counsel to avoid much folly and foolishness. A husband who refuses to listen to his wife is a fool because he is refusing the help that God has provided to him. Now, this doesn't mean that you'll always agree. Sometimes my wife sees things differently than me, and I don't agree. But you should always listen. You should always hear her out, especially on important decisions.
I remember almost ten years ago, our first child was getting of school age. This was pre-COVID, before the world melted down and they put all the schools on Zoom and the watching world got to see the insanity being taught in the classrooms. Heather was saying, "I think we should put her in a Christian school." I was thinking practically, "That's going to be expensive, and I don't think I want to pay for that." Heather was very adamant. She's a planner, so we started talking about this two years before kindergarten. I'm not that way because a lot can change in two years, so I just kept kicking the can down the road. I was thinking very noble thoughts of getting to know people in the community, witnessing, getting on the school board, interacting with people that need the gospel. Heather was just, "No, she needs a Christian education." It got to the summer before school was going to start, and she was absolutely not bending. And she asked me a question: "Have you prayed about this?"
I'll never forget that question because my answer was no. I had no moral high ground whatsoever. I said, "You know what, I probably ought to pray about this," and I prayed about it for like half a second, and I was like, "You know what? I think, Heather, you're right. Now that I've taken this before the Lord, it seems that you are right in this decision." But notice how this worked. I still made the decision. That's the role of the husband. That's what it means to be the head, and we'll talk about that next week. And when I made the decision, even though it was the one that she wanted, she still submitted to it. I know that if I had made the other decision, she would have willfully submitted to it as well.
So what is submission? It literally means to bring under. Submission is a willful and voluntary act by the wife to bring herself under the authority that God has placed in her life, which is her husband. The God's Word Translation of this verse reads: "Wives, place yourselves under your husbands' authority as you have placed yourselves under the Lord's authority." Now, "submit" is a very different word than the word "obey." Later in chapter 6, it says, "Children, obey your parents." That's a much different concept and relationship. When God calls wives to submit to their husbands, he is recognizing the special place that she has as his image-bearer, with her own will, her own freedom of conscience, and her own relationship with God. I would go as far to say this: a wife should never be forced to submit. Rather, submission should come from her own willing heart. If a wife is being forced to submit, something is terribly wrong. Simply put, when your husband makes a decision, you follow his lead.
Some of you wives might be thinking, "Yeah, but my husband is an idiot, and he makes terrible decisions." That might be true. And if it is, you have my sympathy and compassion. But if you were sitting here thinking that, I want to ask you a question: Whose decision was it to marry your husband? And what's worse? The idiot or the woman who marries him? I'm only saying that to put a little humility in your heart. I understand that sometimes these things are very difficult.
I will also say that sometimes we get bogged down with the most insignificant disagreements. Solomon says in the Song of Songs that it is the small foxes that spoil the vine. I will say this to the husbands: Some of you are so overbearing. An overbearing husband is not a joy to be with. You offer your opinion on every single little thing your wife does. That is not what it means to be the head, that your wife has to do every little thing exactly the way you think it should be done. She is your wife, not your slave. Being a wife and a mother is a very difficult job and a high calling. What makes it even more difficult is when the husband is unbearable, when a husband is hypercritical of every little thing she does. "Well, I'm just trying to help her." Look, that's not often how it's received. It would be wise to let the wife focus on the duties that God has assigned to her, and the husband to be a big-picture thinker guarding the spiritual direction of the home but leaving a lot of the day-to-day implementation to the wife. Proverbs 31:30 says, "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Husbands, when was the last time you celebrated your wife? You praised your wife? Strive to be the kind of man that is easy to submit to. Don't be an overbearing ogre that is impossible to please. That's not the God we serve. He's not that way with us. Why would we be that way with our wives?
Submission is a burden on the wife, but we should make this burden as light as possible, just as Christ has made it so easy for us to submit to him because of his overwhelming love for us. Submission is simply bringing yourself under the authority of your husband, letting him set the spiritual and practical direction of the home. Yes, you'll have your own opinions, and you should express them. But when he makes a decision, it's your job to get on board with it and follow his lead. That is the action of what God calls the wife to.
2. The Allegiance: To Your Own Husband
The second is allegiance, and that is to your own husband. We see in verse 22: "Wives, submit to your own husbands." Who are wives called to submit to? Any man? No, and thank God. One man, only one: your own husband. You are under the authority of your husband and him alone. By God's grace, you are called to submit to him in marriage. You are called to have an allegiance to him, to be for him, to be committed to him. This includes fidelity; there is no room in your heart to be emotionally unfaithful to him or to be sexually unfaithful to him. Sexual unfaithfulness often starts with emotional unfaithfulness, starting with attitudes of resentment or bitterness towards your husband.
When you marry, your primary calling that God has given you is towards your husband and your children—to pour out all that you are, all of your gifts, talents, and abilities, for them and for their success. I will just say this: one of the dumbest things anybody can do is sow disunity into the heart of a marriage, especially to a wife. When anyone would speak to a wife about something her husband has decided and say, "That was wrong, that was dumb. What's wrong with him?" you are working against God to try and bring a wedge, a division to what God has joined together. You might think it's stupid, but keep your yap shut. You don't have to voice every single thought that pops into your head.
I was sitting in a pastor's meeting the other day where a pastor was talking about how he was telling a wife that she didn't have to submit to her husband over the most trivial of matters, and I was sitting there like, "You are a fool to sow discord into that marriage, as if you are somehow in a higher authority over her as a pastor." His whole view on this thing was messed up. It was a very trivial matter, yet he sowed discord and division between husband and wife. We need to be careful that we are not doing that, because the wife is to have an allegiance to her husband. We want to guard our words with friends and family so we aren't sowing distrust into the hearts of wives who are called to submit to their husbands.
3. The Adoration: As Unto the Lord
Number three: adoration. This is "as to the Lord." This is the direction. When we think of submission, we often think of it as a horizontal issue between the husband and the wife. But our apostle frames it as a vertical issue. The Lord is involved in this. Truly everything in our lives is to be done as unto the Lord, so there is no issue in our life that is not an issue between us and God. This becomes a worship issue—that's why I call it adoration. A wife who refuses to submit to her husband is, at the very same time, refusing to submit to Christ.
You're not submitting to the husband because he's perfect. He's imperfect. You're submitting to him because the one who is perfect has called you to this. You're not submitting because he never makes bad decisions. All of us husbands will make bad decisions, and we will be wrong. You are called to submit to the one who is never wrong, and his perfection has called you to submit to your own husband. If you say, "I will not submit to my husband," at the very same time you are refusing to submit to Christ, the one you call Lord. This is not a take-it-or-leave-it small part of your marriage. This is your marriage, and this is also your relationship with God. A wife who refuses to submit to her husband will live at odds with God. If this has been a sin in your life, and you come into worship wondering, "Why can't I feel it? Why don't I sense the Lord's presence?" Could it be that your relationship with the Lord is not where it should be because you are refusing to obey his word in this area of your life? Something to meditate on.
"As to the Lord" is about worship, but hear this: it's also a protection for the wife. The question often arises, "What if my husband asks me to do something that violates God's law?" Because you submit to your husband as you obey the Lord, you are not required to do anything contrary to the law of God. That is sin. Christ is still the head of your husband, so if your husband is stepping outside of his role as your head to lead you astray from Christ, your greatest allegiance is to Christ. You may freely say, "I have to submit to Christ, who is the ultimate head over all things." However, as verse 24 says, "wives should submit in everything to their husbands." If it's not sin, you need to submit.
You might be thinking, "If I do that, my husband is going to walk all over me." Again, what kind of man did you marry? If he has submitted himself to Christ, he won't do that. A man submitted to Christ won't be a radical tyrant in the home. And a man who is doing that in your marriage should be corrected by his church, his elders, from his pastors. I think there are grounds for you to bring that to the attention of the elders so we might admonish him to love and serve you the way Christ loved and served us. But in most Christian marriages, this fear is often irrational, born out of living in a culture indoctrinated with radical feminism that teaches men only want to subjugate women. That's not the teaching of Scripture. Men are called to die for their wives.
In all of this, what we have to understand is this does not work without Jesus. If you're a wife here today and you're not a follower of Jesus, your first step is not to submit to your husband. Your first step is to submit to Christ. Always Jesus. Because it's then that he can cleanse you, sanctify you, fill you with his Spirit, give you a new heart, give you new desires, and change you from the inside out.
4. The Authority: Recognizing the Husband as Head
Number four, the authority in marriage. It says in verse 23, "The husband is the head of the wife." We'll talk about this a lot more next week. But what's important for the wife is that she recognizes the authority God has placed in her life. Submission to your husband is not primarily an action; it's an internal state of the heart that results in action. Romans 13 says that all authority comes from God and has been placed there for our good, which is our sanctification. In this life, we all answer to someone. The husband will answer directly to Christ for how he led his family, and God has given wives a husband not to crush the wife, but to lovingly protect and provide for her.
There is no question in marriage who the head is. It is the husband. Husband and wife cannot take a vote and say, "Let's vote in the wife." That's not how this works. God has determined this. The husband will either be a good head or a bad head, but he will be the head. Single ladies searching for a husband one day: Your future husband will be your head. He will be your leader, which means you need to seek out a man that has a capacity to lead. Is he able to care for himself? Does he show genuine evidence of a walk with Jesus? Does he repent of sin? Is he himself submitted to Christ? If not, it will be a world of hurt and heartache to submit to a man who is not submitted to Christ. Single ladies, you want to find a man who loves Jesus more than anyone or anything, including you. If he loves Jesus, he'll strive to submit himself to God and he'll love and serve you the way Christ has loved and served us.
5. The Attitude: Respecting Your Husband
This brings us to the fifth duty of the wife: her attitude. We see this in verse 33: "let the wife see that she respects her husband." A wife is called to respect her husband not just in action, but also in attitude, in tone, in your words, in your posture. Disrespect often shows up not in blatant rebellion, but in everyday demeanor—sighs, sarcasm, cold shoulders, unavailability, or constant correction.
One of the most common struggles for wives is talking down to their husbands, especially in front of others. Sometimes wives regularly criticize their husbands to their friends, belittling him behind his back. Sometimes they undermine his authority in front of the children, questioning his decisions, which erodes the father's leadership and the home's unity. Respect does not mean agreeing with everything, but it does mean honoring his God-given role. A respectful wife becomes a powerful ally in her husband's sanctification. But a disrespectful wife becomes a snare to his soul. A woman who disrespects her husband only makes herself look foolish. You're the one that pledged your life to him.
Listen to what 1 Peter 3:5-6 says speaking of Sarah: "For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening." I'm not saying you have to call your husband "lord." Lord, well, you know, I mean, if you wanted to do that... but I think it gets to the heart of respect. Wives, this is something you're called to show to your husbands. It is an internal thing between you and the Lord. Nobody else can see your heart except for you and the Lord. If you are disrespecting your husband, it is a sin that needs to be repented of before God.
Conclusion and Final Exhortations
Just some quick applications here as we begin to conclude today. For the husbands: Husband, submission for the wife is not an easy thing to do. The Bible says we must live in an understanding way with our wives. Part of that is recognizing that this is not easy, and we can either lighten this load or make it an unbearable burden. If you truly love your wife, you will want every burden she must carry to be as easy and light as it can be, including her submission to you. Don't make your duty harder than it needs to be by your laziness, foolishness, or pride. Be the kind of man that she wants to submit to.
For all of us here today, this highlights the absolute necessity for choosing a godly spouse. Marriage is a wonderful thing when it's done according to God's design, but when we stray from God's standard, we invite disaster. God has sovereignly placed us in a particular calling to sanctify us. To be a wife is a high and noble calling. God will use this submission to expose areas in your heart that are not yet fully yielded to Christ. I invite you to allow the Holy Spirit to search your heart. Am I fully submitted to my husband? Am I fully submitted to the Lord?
As we strive for these things, we will do so imperfectly, full of faults and failures. We are going to make so many mistakes as husbands and wives. This is why the cross is at the center of everything. There's always room at the cross for us and for our sin, and when we take it to him, we don't receive condemnation. We receive forgiveness. But he does call us higher. Confession and repentance then becomes the pathway to walking in freedom. This invitation to submission is an invitation to trust in God, to step out into the unknown, to surrender your heart fully to him. The God who made you is the God who gave you your husband, and he would not have called you to these things if he wasn't ready to provide for you all that you need for life and godliness. To all of us here today, we need to look to Jesus. He is the one who alone can give us the strength and the wisdom on how to walk this out daily.
Closing Prayer and Benediction
I invite you to stand with me as we begin to close today.
Father, we do thank you for your word. It is a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path. Lord, I pray for the marriages in this house, that you would strengthen them. Lord, that you would draw husband to wife and wife to husband. Lord, where there's been friction, where there's been a husband that's overbearing and a wife that's been hardhearted, God, that through your word, you would soften hearts. Lord, there may be even those who are here today who feel like their marriages are dead and lifeless. I pray that you would reassure them that you are the God who knows how to bring dead things back to life, that you are the God who knows the way out of the grave, and that nothing is impossible for you. Just as you spoke your word to Lazarus, and he came out of that grave, so your word goes forth today. Lord, I pray that your word would birth faith in our hearts, and that faith would be exercised in obedience to you as we all seek to live out the calling that you've placed on our lives.
And Lord, as we go out from this place, we go out with this blessing: The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you. The Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace. Amen.